mY sKiN 0n ReWiNd

I'm not ashamed anymore. You shouldn't be either.
I want to say thank you to

amelialourdes for giving me the bravery to say this. I do have a right to be upset! My feelings are valid. I'm no longer ashamed to share my experience.

When I was younger, I forged a bond with Barry Reed AKA the father from The Brady Bunch. He was everything I wished my alcoholic, abusive, neglectful (unless he was beating me), compulsive-overeater father could be. I would stare dumbly at the boob tube (TV) and think, "Why can't you be my dad? Why can't I live a happy life in a split-level home with my two siblings and three step-siblings and mom and maid? What did I do in a past life that I'm being punished for now?"

I would cry myself to sleep praying that I would wake up dead. It never happened. When I look back now, I'm grateful. At the time it just made me self-mutilate even more than I already did.

When I found out Barry Reed had committed suicide, I really thought about following in his dark footsteps. "How can I go on without him?" I asked myself. "Dare I?"

But I did dare. I told myself, "Barry was weak, but Mike Brady was stronger. Barry would want me to follow in his footsteps, but Mike Brady would say, 'No. Those are bad footsteps. Follow my better ones.'" And you know what? I did.

I followed his better footsteps into therapy, and I got help for my problem. I was obsessed with the idea that could never become a reality. I was obsessed with a man that did not really exist. It was a hard lesson.

Even now, 12 years and 6 months to the day since he passed, I cannot truly let go. I still have a place in my heart for him. I will forever. I loved him like a father. In many ways he was the only real father I ever had (that didn't abuse me). I will miss him until I die. My own father passed away last year, and I don't feel half for him what I do for Mike Brady. Because my father might've planted the seed that created me, but Mike was a DAD to me. He raised me. He gave me the advice I live by now and provided for me emotionally in a way my father never did. I love you, Mike Brady. I'll always love you.

If you have stories similar to ours, I encourage you to share them. We can help each other heal. Peace be with you.

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